The Reason Why I am Not Seriously Committed to My Job Search
June, July, August and now September. Roughly four months since I have graduated have past, but what’s happened? I walked, I went abroad for the first time, and then I moved back home. Still unemployed-ish.*
I’m part time.
Hello, I’m back after much reflection.
I’m so nervous as I type this. But why? Cause I have been in denial for the past 6 months of my life! Even though I have been searching for a job since even months before I graduated, I have always had this gut feeling: I am not enough.
This is the narrative I grew up with: You go to college, you graduate, you get a job, and then the rest of life takes over. You just have to complete the first three steps!
Not only that, but I believed that in undergraduate college alone, I would have learned everything I need to learn to succeed in life. Well, let me tell you, I did it all, and I still don’t know everything. Bummer.
Why wouldn’t I believe that this is all true? American Meritocracy. FaceBook tells me everyone did it. LinkedIn tells me everyone did it. Even, my dad did it. From poverty to the Silicon Valley, he did it.
Every event was an excuse to postpone my commitment. I had final projects (which was the more valid excuse out of all of these), I had to pack and move, I wanted to celebrate graduation by going to Japan. Then before I knew it, I’ve been home for four months with one interview.
My entire college career was a series of opportunities being offered/suggested to me, because I tried so hard to stand out. I was asked to participate and do so many different things I never would’ve truly approached by myself, because someone else noticed. Including becoming an art student. (S/o to everyone who guided me.)
But now it’s different. I’m not a student anymore. I don’t have professors or TAs whose jobs it was to notice me. I don’t have a physical group of peers to compete against. I was thrown out into the world like a fish on land! I am out of my element.
All I can think of is: “I should have started [applying, learning this program or that program] sooner”.
I’m not saying all of this from a place of sadness; I’m saying all this from a place of disappointment and frustration. Pure anger.
Ok, but why am I writing this? Because, I am using this anger as fuel. Even though I’m not fully employed or know where I’m going, I do know that everyday I am still becoming a better designer and truer version of myself.
For example, just compare my first website to my current website. I’M SO ASHAMED, the first one is absolutely terrible and yet I sent that out to employers?? No wonder they didn’t reach out to me. (I can’t believe I’m tagged it on here, but, you know what, I shouldn’t be ashamed of my growth. Plus, I still have a lot of growing to do.)
I am becoming more confident in myself and realizing that during school, I put away a lot of things that made my happy. Such as my love for what I wear and going outside.
I’m still learning! I just learned how to use After Effects, and its so exciting!
And I’m still applying! I’m disheartened, but I’m applying.
Anyway, here are things that I’m learning about myself thanks to college:
- College does not teach you everything. Instead, it guides you.
- I am indecisive, but that doesn’t mean I’m regretful.
- I achieved a lot in four years, now imagine what I can achieve in another four years.
- If I can stand out at a university of 35K students, I can stand out in the real world too. Starting small and working up.
- I am unique.
I am beyond thankful for my experiences at UCSD. I was gifted with the weirdest college experience that was reflective of who I am and what I needed. Now, I need to recreate that for myself in my post-grad life and it doesn’t have to solely rely on me finding full time employment.
So here’s the update: No, I am still not employed, but I’m ok. 👍🏼
And to my friends who are unemployed as well. It’s easy for me to forget you, I’m sorry. But I’ll keep thinking of you now.
