How to Mourn without Mourning in the Mist of COVID-19

I wrote this the night my grandmother passed away from COVID-19 while living in a senior home. The facility is at 90% infected. These were just my thoughts in the moment.

This is all I wanted the answer for. I thought about what this would’ve been like a year ago. Hearing the news and immediately booking a flight. Meeting with distant family members I haven’t seen in years for a bittetsweet moment. All the hugs and kisses, reassuring back pats, and that constant feeling of togetherness just for this one moment. Going through the entire thought exercise didn’t help me though. Despite living an hour away, I hadn’t even been near my parents in over two months. It only made me realize how much has changed without me willingly accepting it, within the span of just several months. Now I am forced to accept it.

The past year has been filled with many mournings for me. Lots of loved ones lost and close pets too. And what I remember the most is those last hand holds and embraces. Hospital visits, doctors and processes and the journey to it all. But today is a different time. This is our reality.

Losing someone without being able to mourn them — or mourn how we traditionally have done it. I don’t even know where to begin in describing how I feel. I’m sad and bewildered. Sometimes I don’t feel justified to be feeling this because maybe I wasn’t as close to my grandmother as I wish I was.

I thought about what her last moments might’ve been like, what the doctors around her might’ve done, and the pain they also felt trying to put the fire out of this pandemic. Is my grandmother just another statistic? I thought about what my father and his family has to do right now to make this situation seem at least a bit more peaceful.

The night I had learned that my grandmother passed due to COVID19 I googled “mourning during corona virus”. I found this quote from this article, “The deceased doesn’t know the difference during this period, but the living do”.

And that’s exactly what I had been thinking. That mourning, as selfish as this sounds, ends up being about us. Those who are still here to remember and to have witness a wonderful life loss. I don’t think this is a bad thing. I just didn’t realize how much I needed it until now when I can’t have it.

I feel helpless in this situation. I’m just a kid who can’t even speak to half her family. What am I to do. I want to help everyone else as much as I can. I want to hear what they would’ve said about my grandmother if we were to attend her service. I want to see the pictures and stories and the embraces.

My grandmother was taken away by a virus that has already shaken the world for months maybe years to come. This has made me even more afraid to hug my parents. Not knowing if I am a potential carrier makes me feel like I don’t want to risk anything. But all I want right now is a hug.

How do you accept that that’s not going to happen anytime soon? And what can we do to mourn together while apart?

My bubble has been bursted. In my mind, the news I saw every night was a world away. Now everyone in my life is not immune. Now all I can think about is how many other people in the world are feeling the same way I do right now. So helpless.

And what’s strange is that I’ve mourned before but now I’m wondering how many other people are feeling this right now: I’m angry at the world, I’m angry at those who are not taking this seriously, and I’m worried for those who are trying their best to take care of these patients only to see the death toll rise every day. Is it strange that I take some sort of comfort from this thought? That I know for a fact I’m not alone in this mental state due to the extremities of the circumstances.

Another thing is, I don’t know how to even bring this up. It’s not like I see anyone in person anymore that this might even have been a more natural segue into the conversation of loss. I just found myself thinking of drafts of how do I mention this to my coworkers and close friends. “Hey you know that thing on the news…”? I just keep thinking to myself “that’s not it”. Do I started the message with a “Hello ____!”? Or does that just seem wrong? Does it sound like “hey not to be a bummer but my grandma passed away from the virus so I’ll be out for a few days even though we’re already in work from home”? None of it feels right or does the situation any justice. It just makes me feel guilty and sad. But I know I’m going to need to have the conversation eventually. So for now I’ll just lose sleep over it until I wake up and just say something that will always be awkward in my mind to explain what I’m going through. In the hopes that this becomes as much of a wake up call to you all as it was to me. But I know that it will never be and that’s what makes me frustrated. It took this moment to put the world in perspective for me and I would never wish this on another person.

Rest In Peace my beautiful bà nội. 💜

I hope to write an update of how we were able to virtually mourn soon. Stay safe, everyone!